History Repeats Itself

I was interested in a relationship with TCNC; here, finally, was a girl laid back enough to deal with me.  I just don’t care about so many things that other people care about, and I felt that we connected on that level, quickly going to the important things in the way people connect.  I also thought she was pretty cute.  Sadly, and predictably, I got the “just friends” call, as I have in the previous two potential relationships.  This time, though, it seems she actually means it; she’s called me twice since then about hanging out.  I’m just gonna play it on the back of the beat, see where she’s coming from.  I honestly thought (again) that there was potential here; maybe she sees it too even if she doesn’t want to fuck me (yet).  Who knows.

I was accepted into a math PhD program this week, with a teaching assistantship.  Five more decisions are pending.   The school I heard from was the lowest ranked that I applied to, in the top 40, so I still have no way to know how the others are going to go.  Wish me luck!

loveandsex / sexorlove

I’ve masturbated twice since my post a week ago.  I have not used pictoral pornography (yay!).  Masturbating to sexy stories is a tradition as old as time and I won’t try to escape it.  Rather than the woman being the object, the experience is the object.  Right?

 My random hookup four weeks ago I think may have marked something of a turning point in my attitude towards picking up/hooking up/casual sex.  February of senior year of college (two years ago today) was the beginning of the latest phase, marked by a philosophy that sex is fun, and that my main mission in going out is to take the most active role possible in finding girls who agree with me.  If you are entering this phase, or are in a position where you think sex would probably be fun, but you are too nervous/inexperienced/shy to do anything about it, I want to do nothing to discourage you.   As regrettable as certain actions I took were, especially in those experimental days, they were invaluable learning experiences and my ability to approach girls and evaluate my chances accurately is paying dividends.

 I have been reflecting very negatively towards my latest encounter.  A girl struck up a conversation and, with only a subconscious evaluation (vis a vis the binary scale of attractiveness) I plotted my course and never looked back.  Cut to several hours later and I am in bed, drunk, with this girl who is not really my type, joylessly plugging away (use your imagination).

 There was absolutely nothing wrong with her.  Great face, a body type that plenty of men would find perfect, and a fiery personality.  I won’t forget her quizzing me on my pornography habits, or the extreme discomfort I felt at the time.

 The point is, I only slept with this girl because I had programmed myself to try under any circumstances above room temperature.  Nearly every day since then I’ve thought about calling her (she didn’t take my number, but gave me hers), and I haven’t because… I can’t think of what I would say.

 ”Hey, its me.  Just calling to make sure you’re not pregnant or crying yourself to sleep every night or anything crazy like that.  Don’t really want to hook up again, or go out; just feel kind of weird about the whole thing.”

I have two opportunities for my Second Good Relationship Ever (the first was last spring, as recounted in this blog).   One is purely speculative, but comes with all the positive signals plus the mythical LAFS (love at first sight) phenomenon attached to it.  The other is very real, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this girl except that she might not be crazy enough for me.  After inviting her back to my place saturday (which she thankfully declined), I realized I need to change my approach.  Not that I won’t fuck her if I get the chance…

TC not C update

I am at a far more manageable BAC than last night.  I honestly have NO CLUE what I was talking about with that quote.  I can only hope that one day the rest of my posts will be as incomprehensible to me as that one.

 I met TCnotC (this stands for tiny and cute but not neccessarily crazy) and her friend doubledate (I went with a friend of mine) to head over to a friend’s house party.  Talking, dancing, enough to make it work.  TCnotC is into me (making out).  OK.

 Go back to one of the more embarrassing posts in this blog.  I well and truly fell in love with this girl the night I met her.  As I most eloquently stated it at the time, I mostly played it cool in our interactions.  Thus, the big reject/accept didn’t happen, and I wasn’t ready to handle it.  I fell apart, but fortunately not in public as usually happens.  Therefore, there was no negative effect on our relationship.  I’ve seen this girl a couple times since then, including tonight, and each time there has been an increasing level of chemistry.  How often have I been in a position to select between incredible girls?  Never.

 I need to manage two relationships.  Its an incredible situation and inevitably I will destroy it by enjoying it too much.  I exhort myself to take this seriously and do the right thing:  be honest with TCnotC and pursue the other with conviction.  In reality, however, the potential of forthcoming sex with a high quality girl will be too much to pass up. 

Goddamn!

Too Easy

“Some one is trying to organize us.

 I told him I was intoxicated, and I might read it when I was sober.”

 I need to start by quoting my roommate, who is always more drunk than I.

 My blood alcohol is at the bare minimum .12 by now.  If there is an intelligence that allows one to fix grammar while drunk, I have decided I have it.

 New topic.  Tonight reinforced:  I have a thing for TCC: Tiny, cute, crazy.  the cute is not just “hot”; it’s a facial thing, an innocence that returns me to a more primordial state than the one in which I normally operate.  Boner.

 Please do not think that I’m writing this of clear mind.

 Tomorrow was a TC, with the final C (crazy) still debatable.  She seems fine to come to this party.

Shit

Wasted.

More later